Ye Olde Strippe Club Laws (or- Boobies Need Not Apply Here)

Protector of Your Virtue

For those of you who do not read the volumes of records from state and local government agencies with a highlighter, looking for any mention of laws regarding peelers- this post is for you.

It seems that back in June, Gov. Jay Nixon signed into effect a new set of laws that will affect adult entertainment businesses in a big way.  Like a pair of DDs smooshed against the glass door of a shower during a bachelor party, kind of way.

Senator, and time traveling pilgrim, Matt Bartle has been fighting long and hard (and sweaty and sticky) to pass laws that would regulate the adult entertainment industry.  As a professional kill-joy, Bartle (please score 3 points if you guessed he was a republican) feels that we as free-minded adults spend too much time thinking about dirty pillows and squirrel covers.

So in an effort to party like it’s 1599, Sen. Bartle has managed to squeak through Missouri congress (on the second try) combined bills 586 and 617.  Which take the bold step of doing the impossible- removing all the joy from a strip club.

It’s a small price to pay, however, for the peace of mind of not having to worry about temptation.  I mean, sure, you could decide for yourself, based on your own set of beliefs and morals, if you should go put twenties ones in the g-string of a “college freshman” who’s c-section scar and wrinkles only somewhat betray her illusion.  But why would you want that lofty decision on your plate, when Sen. Bartle has taken the guess work out for you?

A few of the finer points of this new law, which goes into affect in less than one week (August 28th) are the definitions- leave it to a republican to make nudity sound very unsexy.  Although, I am fond of the term anal cleft.

On Defining Nudity:

“Nudity” or “state of nudity”, the showing of the human maleor female genitals, pubic area, vulva, anus, anal cleft, or cleavage with less than a fully opaque covering, or the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of any part of the nipple or areola;

On measuring nudity (may require protractor and t-square):

the showing of the female breast below a horizontal line across the top of the areola and extending across the width of the breast

Male anatomical area  (re: getting a turgid-on):

Human male genitals in a discernibly turgid state, even if completely and opaquely covered

On Breasticles:

No person shall knowingly or intentionally, in a sexually oriented business, appear in a state of nudity.

That’s right- the crux of the issue.  Nudity has been outlawed at the booby bar.  You absolutely, under no circumstances can have nudity.  Of course, as long as that’s the only rule- we can get around that right?

“No employee shall knowingly or intentionally, in a sexually oriented business, appear in a semi-nude condition unless the employee, while semi-nude, shall be and remain on a fixed stage at least six feet from all patrons and at least eighteen inches from the floor in a room of at least six hundred square feet.”

Now you are ready for your lap dance

Okay, so there is that.  Full Clothed Couch Dances. This pretty much means that lap dances become the most awkward things ever.  Remember when you were young, and you finally got to make out with that girl you really liked, you thought it was going your way, you just knew you hit all the right buttons.  Just you and her on the couch.  Three hours later, and you have a friction burned wang and a wicked case of blue balls from 3 hours of dry humping.

They have reduced lap dances to one of the most frustrating experiences of being a teenager.  Bravo Matt Bartle.

Finally- I could go on and on about all the finer comedic points of this bill- but I would be remiss if I didn’t point this out. Under “specified sexual activity” one of the definitions is as follows:

Excretory functions as a part of or in connection with any of the activities described in paragraph (a) of this subdivision;

Where the hell has Bartle been going where he has seen strippers pooping on the floor.  Does Fulton, MO house the little known “Der Shise House”?

No wonder he is terrified of strip clubs.  If I saw a stripper dropping a deuce on stage, I would become a crusader for closing them down too.

This article has 1 Comment

Comments are closed.