R.I.P. Helium (Noblest of the Noble Gases)

According to the New Zealand Herald we will run out of helium within 30 years.

You read that right- no more helium.  Gone caput.  NON-renewable.  We no makey anymore squeaky gas.

It took 4.7 billion years to build up what we have- and we have drained it dry in 100 years.  WOOO! Go team!

For you great uneducated masses that are oblivious to such things- Kansas (my home state) is the reason we know how to extract the squeaky stuff and bend it to our will.  It was in Dexter, KS where they were drilling for oil and hit a gusher…of gas-that wouldn’t burn.

You see- in Kansas, anytime we have an unfamiliar gas coming out of the ground we try to set it on fire.  We are a scared and dense people here.

It is because of Helium’s noble beginnings here in the state of Kansas, that I feel it is my duty to speak of it’s passing.  Now, I hear you snickering- laughing at me, pointing, knocking me down on the locker room floor and snapping towels at me- you are saying “Helium isn’t important!”.

You ignorant son of a bitch.

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Now, sure we use helium for cooling nuclear reactors and radiation detectors.  BORING.  The balloons man- what about the balloons?  How will we ensure that a child will always cry at a party when they inevitably lose their balloon, mere seconds before they intended to let it go themselves.  What will a clown offer to a child that is near pissing themselves with terror at the sight of this grease-painted monstrosity?  And certainly, pedophiles will lose a huge weapon out of their arsenal- won’t you think of the pedophiles?

What will become of the balloons once we can’t kept them afloat? Sure we could use hydrogen.  It worked out well for the germans in keeping their toys afloat.

And, of course- once the helium is gone- how will this guy get any attention at parties?

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